Life, Salvation, And A Fear Of Loss
by Jurodan
Summary: Life brings pain, and what the Titans brought back has brought them more pain than they ever could have imagined...


Disclaimer: Since I obviously don't own the copyright to Teen Titans, I'm taking advantage of the Fair Use Clause of the Copyright laws to write a story with them in it. Who knew the government would protect the little guys? Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1: No

"_I'm sorry._"

The words seemed to repeat endlessly in Terra's mind as she sat in the dark alley, her arms wrapped around her legs, clutching them to her chest.

"_I'm sorry._"

The rain was pouring down upon her, drenching her blonde hair and concealing her tears.

"_I'm sorry._"

How had this happened?

"_I'm sorry._"

Was this some sort of nightmare?

"_I'm sorry._"

Was she still in stone?

"_I'm sorry._"

Why had they freed her?

"_I'm sorry._"

Why had they even bothered?

"_I'm sorry._"

Terra's weary head fell forward, resting against her knees.

"_I'm sorry._"

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The skies outside of Titans Tower were bleak; the normally blue sky was a dreary gray. The ever-darkening storm clouds were blotting out the sun; the few remaining flecks of clear sky were either swallowed up or had moved out to sea. The sea itself was choppy, and waves were crashing against the stone shores of the Titan's island. Terra frowned, stepping away from the gigantic bay window.

It didn't feel right. Nothing did now. Terra turned away from the window and walked away. The room itself was dark, the lights seemed dim and only darkness filtered through the window. Despite the darkness, she could still see the door clearly. 'It's taking too long…' Her frown deepened as she gazed at the door. She didn't want to think about it, but it was all that she could think about.

She looked away, almost as an afterthought, finally dragging her eyes away from the doors and onto the table that lay before her. Something was sitting on it, a simple box, one of Beast Boy's video games most likely. She smiled at the thought of him playing and walked around, picking it up.

"Monkey Madness Three…" She trailed off and sat down, clutching the game in her hands.

When she had last been here… he had just started playing Monkey Madness Two. Her hold on the game softened and she returned it to the table. For a long moment, she tried to think of Beast Boy playing it, enjoying it… but she couldn't. She had been away for a year. Things had changed, she couldn't ignore it, she couldn't deny it, and she couldn't run from it.

Things _had_ changed.

Terra felt her shoulders sag and her head drooped forward a little, her gaze falling away from the game and onto the darkened floor. Memories slowly entered her mind, the first time she had come here, to Titans Tower; she had been warmly welcomed... actually, Starfire had practically dragged her…

"_Unacceptable. I cannot permit my new friend to slumber in a lonely cave or darkness…_"

She managed to smile at that, Starfire had always been her friend; she had always been everyone's friend. Starfire had always believed the best in people.

"_You always were easy to fool._" The image of Starfire being blasted away by a burst of dirt erased the smile from her face. She had tricked Star. Starfire had been looking her over to make sure she hadn't been injured. She had drawn her in close, feigning injury and then attacked her.

The memories faded into darkness and she looked around again. The sky was completely dark now, the room felt cold, desolate, and an unnerving silence had set in. The only thing that defied the darkness was the glistening plastic cover of the Monkey Madness Three game. The monkeys on the cover, with their blank white eyes and wide empty smiles seemed to mock her. The monkey at the very center of the box was pointing at her with his mouth open, laughing. Terra took a deep breath and flipped the game over, only to find the back was just as mocking. 'Best Game of 2005' was scrawled across the top.

A void formed in her stomach and she pushed the game away. Outside the rain began to fall, millions of drops of water falling from the sky only to be lashed into Titans Tower by brutal gusts of wind. Terra stared for a long moment, drinking in the view. Swallowing hard she stood and approached the window. Her breath fogged up the window and she wiped it away, almost without realizing she had raised her hand. She had always hated and feared when it poured like this. The caves she had been accustomed to provided little relief, as they quickly became dank and cold.

Was that what she would return to, living in caves?

The doors behind her opened with an automated whirr, and Terra turned around. She found herself looking directly at Raven and instantly regretted having turned around at all. A cold chill ran down her spine as for the briefest of instants, their eyes met. Raven's dull amethyst eyes were half open, but the moment they connected with Terra's they narrowed. Terra drew in a sharp breath, the hair on the back of her neck rising, and quickly turned around to face the storm.

Terra closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from hyperventilating. This was the closest quarters she had been in with Raven since… since…

"_Who's in control now?_" Terra had asked Raven mockingly as the pale skinned girl was dragged down into the mud. Raven's eyes reverted from four unnatural red eyes to her normal lavender eyes, filled with fear, she dragged in one last gasp that was cut off as the mud began to fill into her mouth and she disappeared beneath the mire.

Terra closed her eyes trying to block out the image. It wouldn't leave, and every second she fought it, it just became more vivid. She cringed and finally opened her eyes only to find red light reflecting in the window. She gasped with shock, taking a step back, only to see it disappear and flash again. She took shallow breaths and approached the window to find a warning light had activated on a buoy in the bay.

Terra strained to breathe normally, easing from rapid gasps of air to a steady breath before finally taking one final deep breath and closing her eyes to regain control. Behind her the kettle began to whistle. Terra's eyes shot wide open and she turned to find Raven removing the kettle from the stovetop. She watched in disbelief as Raven nonchalantly began pouring the golden brown liquid into her cup.

Raven had never actually waited for her tea to boil before taking it off the stove.

She had even noted it in one of her… reports… she winced mentally. When she worked for Slade… she had noted every habit, ritual and aspect of the Titan's behavior for him. It pained her to think about it, but it was only with this oddity that she truly realized the sheer length she had gone to in her betrayal. How many other habits had the Titans changed because of her? She hadn't really thought about it, at first too busy healing, and then having Slade's armor removed…

"We're close to a decision."

Terra was so lost in her fugue she hadn't even realize Raven had walked away until she spoke. She looked up only in time to see the door close.

"Close to a decision…" Terra murmured staring at the closed door.

There was nothing left to do but wait. Terra blinked and lowered her head. She hadn't noticed the passage of time until now, but it seemed as if an eternity had passed, and now that same eternity was dragging into infinity. How long had they been in there, trying to decide?

She looked back to the window. The storm continued, unabated, lashing the window and drenching the earth. The seas twisted and railed, battering the Titans Island in impotent fury. The window was fogging now, the moisture outside and the heat inside creating a thick white sheen. Terra could barely see through it anymore.

Her mind wandered memory to memory. Her entire life was fleeing from disaster after disaster, and each disaster replayed itself in soul grinding detail. She had tried to help people; it's all she had tried to do. But every time she helped, something went wrong, everything always went wrong… Buildings collapsed, people were hurt, and mines were closed down because they were becoming unstable. And everywhere people blamed her… and she always had to run. She had tried to control her power, she really had tried, but she just couldn't. It was too hard…

She hadn't actually _gone_ to Jump City; she had just been wandering in the desert for so long she hadn't had a clue where she was. She was just trying to avoid people. She didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. The Titans had appeared out of nowhere really: that monster scorpion had attacked her and she had fled from her cave. When she finally killed it the Titans had been on the bluffs above her.

She hadn't even realized she had been so close to a city.

She never should have gone with them. She had broken her own rule. She couldn't make friends. She wasn't supposed to. All she had ever done was hurt her friends. No matter where she went or who she met, she just hurt other people. Maybe she had thought they might have been different, more like her.

Titans Tower hadn't been so different from other places, after all. There had been other families who had welcomed her to their table, given her food and shelter; a few had even offered her a real home, just like the Titans. But something had always gone wrong and everyone had always wound up hurt. Why had she treated the Titans differently? She had let herself get close to them. They were unlike everyone else, being superheroes and guardians of a city, and she had tried to help them. But, when it came to her powers, they were just like everyone else. Beast Boy had told Robin that she couldn't control her powers, just like Slade said… and she had fled.

If she hadn't trusted Beast Boy, made him promise, things might have been different…

If Robin hadn't said anything about her powers…

If she hadn't met Slade…

The door opened behind her again and Terra turned around. The Titans were filing in: first Robin, then Raven, Cyborg, Starfire, and finally Beast Boy. She didn't even need to hear a word from the Titans. Starfire's head was bowed and Beast Boy was chewing his lip, trying to hold back tears. Terra let out a deep breath. She already knew the answer.

"We've made our decision." Robin began but there was silence.

No one wanted to tell her the truth.

"I'm sorry. It's just…" Cyborg trailed off closing his eye.

"You're free to stay as long as you need to," Robin offered preemptively.

"The team has decided not to allow you to rejoin." Raven finally said, without the malice Terra had expected, "You are no longer a member of the Teen Titans."

Terra still felt like she had been hit in the gut, despite having expected it. She just stood there, the rain falling behind her. Her head tipped forward slightly, she nodded, and forced a smile, "I understand."

"Terra…" Beast Boy's voice was weak and soft.

"I… I think I'll be leaving," Terra announced, not even sure how she had found the words.

The Titans looked just as shell-shocked as she did, as they watched her head for the door.

Starfire stopped her, pointing behind her to the window, "But the storm…"

"It's fine," she offered Starfire a meek, honest smile. And then she left.

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"_I'm sorry._"

Terra looked up, blinking lazily. She had somehow fallen asleep in the storm without realizing it.

"_I'm sorry._"

The rain had stopped, but the clouds were still threatening. Terra shivered, Cyborg's apology was still echoing in her mind.

"_I'm sorry._"

Terra felt the pit of her stomach drop. She had no friends, no family; there was no place for her to go.

"_I'm sorry._"

She looked up at the sky, at the darkness, where an inky blackness had cloaked the city.

"_I'm sorry._"

Terra nodded staring up at the heavens.

"_I'm sorry._"

"So am I."


End file.
